Depression

I knew the difference.  I knew the difference between when I wanted to kill myself and when I didn’t care if I died.  There would be days when I would give up, I’d crawl into bed, curl up, and just lie there.  This wasn’t me being depressed.  I knew the difference.  Being depressed is when you cry, when you think about a knife to your throat, when you cut yourself, when you wish everything would change, when you cry out for someone...  anyone... to come and tell you everything would be okay.  But no one was there.  No one was ever there.  That was being depressed.  This was depression.  This was the unfeeling, the existence without life.  Curled up, hopeless, useless, on your bed.  It wasn’t that you were sad, don’t get that confused, it’s not when you want to die.  It’s when you don’t care what happens.  You don’t care if someone shoots you or kisses you.  You are without emotion, without thoughts.  Time passes arbitrarily and life moves on without you.  You don’t hear people talk because you don’t exist anymore.

Sometimes, just as I curled up and the life would begin to fade from my eyes, I would be scared.  Just for a second, a flicker of an instant in which I would worry that this time I wouldn’t come back, this time I would never think again.  And then the fear is gone, I am gone, I am in an unstate.  Alone, without thought, not seeing, not breathing.  But it never lasts long, or it hasn’t yet anyways.  Only an hour or two.  And then I begin wake up.  It starts with tears.  Tears that I don’t feel.  Tears that stream from my unblinking eyes and cover the bed I lay in.  And still I don’t feel them even as my face glistens with them and my pillow is drenched in them.  It starts with tears and then, if you are lucky, you fall asleep and you wake up feeling okay.  Okay.  Just okay.  Just barely okay is a better way to describe it.  If you aren’t lucky you begin to wake up and your mind starts screaming at you.  “You are a horrible person.  You are disgusting.  You deserve to die.  Your blood would probably be cold you wretched creature.  You disgust me, crying like a little baby.  No wonder she left, no wonder no one talks to you.  Makes me want to puke.”  And you might just puke.  You might just rock back and forth and cry some more.  You might hold a knife to your throat.  You might cut yourself.  This was being depressed, the most horrible and utmost stage of being depressed, but at least it is not depression.  At least you can feel the pain.  At least you are alive now, even if you wish you weren’t.  Because if you can feel pain then you can still feel happiness when it comes around.  If it comes around.  If you can cry then you can laugh.  Tomorrow you will wake up and it could get better.  At least you are not in depression, at least you have woke from the void.  But it this of course is the part you must work hardest through.  Depression requires no work.  You have to just hope you wake up.  But once you are up you have to work to stay awake.  You have to work to not cut your wrists and not end the misery, work even harder to not fall back into the nothingness.

I think about so many ways of killing myself.  My mind wanders to all of the happy memories I had.  All of the things I no longer have.  All of the laughter and happiness that was wrenched from me.  And I imagine how all of those horrible thoughts would go away if only I had a nail.  A nail and a hammer, straight through the temple.  Maybe stabbing holes in my legs or cut wounds in my arms will ease the thoughts.  The pain will be too much to ignore.  But the thoughts are still there.  They always come back.  Better to just end it.  Gun to the head.  Blade to the throat.  Pills.  Pills are an easy way to go.  But what if I wake up after?  Do I want to wake up?  Oh god, I don’t know, I don’t know.  Where are you, God?  Don’t you exist?  How can I live like this?  And that is when depression will set in if you are not careful.  Because it doesn’t matter what you do or what you're depressed mind tells you, the only way to feel better is to cope.  You have to set aside the pains and sufferings of the past.  It will not be easy.  Worst yet you have to do it alone.  It doesn’t matter what others tell you or how others want to help you because if you don’t believe in the fact that things can get better, that they will get better, then those others cannot help you.

Take a bullet to your head.  Jump into traffic.  Fall of a tall building.  Take the easy way out and you miss out on what could happen.  You miss all the good your life could become if only you believe.  Believe that life will get better if you keep living it.  Believe that you can make it better.  You are strong.  You are independent.  Life will get better because you will make it better.  Nothing anyone says can change that.  Do not let yourself fall into the void or succumb to your mind’s taunting.  How many times have I been there?  In that state of unness?  One hundred?  Two hundred....  I will probably fall into again.  And if life will have me I will wake again.  Hopefully within a few hours.  God, hopefully I won't fall forever.  And when I wake.  When I wake and hold my knees to my chest, and rock and rock and rock, back and forth, the tears streaming down my face.  When I wake I will be strong.  I will believe.  

Steps to a Relationship

I figured, since I could not easily find this on a Google search, I would write out a step by step relationship guide to how fast you should be going.  Now, of course, sort of as formality, every person is different and unique and so each relationship should be taken independently.  I am aware of this fact, that both partners should talk and be honest and try their best to go as fast as the other partner would like to go.  Now, enough preliminaries, let’s cut the bullshit and make a step by step guide.  There is a general truth out there in all areas of life, I wouldn’t like philosophy if I didn’t think that; so even in the speed of a healthy relationship, there is a standard. 

So, this guide, meant for persons above eighteen year olds who want to be in a committed relationship (anyone younger is in so much relationship turmoil that I don’t want to get into what should and shouldn’t be done.  That’s for parents or individuals or whoever to figure out for now), will start with the first date.  You meet a person, you chat, maybe even get this persons number, and eventually go out on your first date.  On this date you should only talk, laugh, and have fun doing whatever activity you decided to do. A hug at the end that is surely allowed, but no more.  Don’t kiss quite yet, save it, and don’t hold hands.[1]  Try to keep the date short as well, just get to know them a little and have fun.  The purpose of the first date is to have a little more grounds to set a liking of the person on, rather than just first impressions.  During the second date it is allowed to hold hands, though perhaps you should still wait, and even more acceptable to kiss after the date (this is probably the best course of action).  If you put off kissing the second, which is fine and dandy, do it the third.  Now, off to the fourth/fifth date.  Try and kiss during sometime, this is a good date for a home date.  Watch a movie, eat popcorn, that sort of thing.  Stay late.  If you kiss during at some point (assuming you’ve kissed once so far (this helps but is not necessary I suppose)) then you can go ahead and hold his/her hand the rest of the date.  Breaking that physical boundary completely and giving way to a real boyfriend/girlfriend like commitment.  It would be good at this time, or at least soon, to begin talking seriously about the two of you being a couple.  Don’t make it stressful just secure each others’ mutual feelings of togetherness.

At this point it is understood you are dating, at least by the two of you.  Soon, if you haven’t already, let out the secret slowly to friends and perhaps family (the family bit is less important for now).  Doing it slow can be fun, it gives the two of you a shared secret.  Don’t wait too long though, because your relationship, in order to be rounded, should be known to the public.  Otherwise there can easily be introduced self-conscious feelings and jealousy into the relationship.  So now, sex.  When too, what kinds?  Good questions, they should be taken carefully.  Now, I, being a virgin, might be a little biased, but I still hold that actual sex (traditional) should be put off a bit longer.  At current moment you’ve been together less than a month or two, just bid your time.  It’s better if you wait, I promise.  However, after one to three months, you can certainly play around.  Focus on things that would be considered foreplay.  Working on this stuff earlier not only can make the actual sex more exciting later but it also gives you a better understanding of your partner’s body and excitement points.  Just touching, running your hands through her hair and across her stomach, following his shoulder line and kissing his hands.  Wrestling is fun too, all is accomplished with little risk of pushing too far.  Nearer to the end you might start adding in more intimate things such as oral.  Don’t worry about love currently (and, oh, I know that is not an easy thing to do).  Just be aware you’re in this because you like the other person and they like you.  Love will come, let it come, take it slow, that’s the point.  I would say, once you reach nearer a six month area, actual sex can be brought in.  Now, I know this is controversial, and biased, but hey, I’m writing the guideline.  I am in no way demanding, heck, this is for me too, I always rush.  Do what you want nothing is guaranteed anyways (and it shouldn’t be, unpredictability is part of life).  If you want a more “grown up” way of looking at this, perhaps just crunching it down to half the time.  Three months is certainly not too long for sex. 

There is one last real step.  Meeting parents will come in time, and one day you may even become married (and that’s another ball game entirely, one I can’t even pretend to give advice about), but the one last step of an earlier relationship is the “L” word.  And no, I don’t mean lesbian Scott Pilgrim fans.  When to say love.  Love is not sex, especially early on.  Sex is just a physical act.  It can bring you to love, and later in a relationship is can symbolize your love, but it is still just the act of bodies.  But speaking the word.  That is what you must be careful of.  Before doing so think long and hard.  Think about the people you know you love, like parents or a best friend, and think about how this person relates to them.  Make sure you are sure.  The word is important, it holds significance.  Misusing and ruining the meaning of the word love will lead you down bad and ungrateful paths.  I suggest you wait at least three/four (near to after or before sex) or six/eight months (the same, if you waited longer for the sex).  Waiting to be sure is always worth it.  If your partner says they feel love and you are unsure do not lie.  Tell them how you feel and try to make them understand you need some time to think.  It hurts, and it always will, but it is better than lying.  If the person you are with truly loves you they will continue being your boyfriend/girlfriend while you decide.  Also, be aware, you can still date while not in love.  Dating is a test, not a conclusion.  It’s all an experiment, its fine to be unsure.  Don’t expect anything out of, just give it your best.  Especially if you are young, you have so much time, why are you so strict on dating only those you think you are guaranteed to marry.  I’m sorry to say, but you are never guaranteed.  If you like someone just try and see what happens.  Have some faith in your partner.  It’s hard, I know, but I find it is the most rewarding way to live.  And in the end, just keep your heart open (even if it hurts) and keep on trying.  That’s all anyone can do: just keep trying.

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[1] I would also like to mention whatever I say is a general guideline, as in, try and avoid doing these things before said specific time.  You can’t help every action.  Once again, honesty and openness with any potential partner is valued above any system.  Also, by the way, I am pretty young yet, so keep that in mind.  I have had many girlfriends and thought extensively on the subject, but don’t expect me to be some crazy master or guru.  I’m giving you the best of the wisdom I, and my friends, can muster.

A Rational Faith

               So then, along with my vlog/uutalk videos, I'm going to try and write something in this blog twice a week.  Usually probably going to be philosophy, but really anything intresting will do for me.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, keep it organized, keep myself focused, give you something intresting to read, that's the point.  For this first post I have a short bit on why people of a faith are not irrational.  Recently, in my philosophy class, we talked about Mackie (a philosopher who wrote about how believing in a traditional God is irrational).  I only want to make clear, or try to make clear, that really any faith is does not have to be irrational.  If you would like to read Mackie's piece I have added in a url to the pdf (a quick Google search should work too), http://www.caragillis.com/Cerritos/EvilandOmnipotence.pdf.  The excerpt is as follows:

               To show that theist is not an irrational person one only has to look over the metaphor I put down as evidence God, or any spiritual knowledge, could exist.  Now, it should be said, I am not saying that atheism is not a legitimate way of looking at the world, and it will always be the way of the world for some atheists and some theists to argue (as it should be, argument is wonderful), but I am only saying that God might exist.  That is, unlike what Mackie says in his piece, Evil and Omnipotence, theism is not an irrational and unreasonable belief.  In fact, with this understanding, the only irrational thing to do would not accept the possibility of doubt.  Any theist or atheist who carries no understanding of the possibility that the other is correct, is thus irrational.  For really, with all the mystery we cannot currently, and I believe, as some do,  never be able to know, we can never find for certain whether or not spirituality of some sort exists.  But enough of the legitimatizes.  It is time to talk of the metaphor.

                Take a world where the sun never shines.  A world which has dark, horrible, clouds covering all corners of its crust.  No one flies in this world, no one has ever seen the sun.  All of children’s, parent’s, grandparent’s, and great’s lives, the sun has not been an entity which has ever been easily logically found.  There is a story I have read with a similar darkness in the world, a series called The Seventh Tower by Garth Nix in which there is a giant dark veil which surrounds the planet.  This, I only mention, to demonstrate that the above situation is imaginable and has been imagined before.  It is, that is to say, not an impossibility in the philosophical sense.  So, in this world, where the sun does not shine, there is a child.  A little girl, curious and light-hearted.  The little girl likes reading fairy tales as little girls tend to do.  She has a particular interest in the magical stories about a world full of green grass, tall wise trees, gleeful butterflies, and the oh so prevalent Sun.  The Sun gives life to all these things, all these butterflies and trees and grass.  It is the creator and watcher, rising each day to look on over its work.  It is a happy being, a loving being, and a protective being.  It chases away the clouds and brings wonderful and warm days wherever it goes.  The little girl loves reading about this Sun.  She imagines it one day chasing the dark wall which exists in her sky, away and bringing the green and warmth back.

                One day this little girl goes up to her mother and asks, “Where is the Sun, Mom?”

                Her mother, being the rational and forward thinking adult she is, replies, “Honey, the Sun is just a fairy tale.  It doesn’t exist.”

                So the little girl leaves her mom.  She does not listen to her mom though, as children tend to do, and keeps on believing that the Sun does exist.  Thus she grows up and finds other believers in the Sun and lives her life always believing in this warmth giving being: the Sun.  Thus religion is formed.  Now, in this metaphor we as the onlookers are aware that there is in fact a sun, beyond the clouds, but for the people in the world there is no real proof that the sun exists.  It is not irrational for the mother to say the sun does not exist, for she has no sun to see, no evidence of the sun.  Yet it is no more irrational for the girl to believe, she sees the tales and believes in the more.  More beyond the clouds.  She is using what she knows and relating it to the world she is aware of to the best of her ability.  Similarly, a Christian and an Atheist, Hindu and a Buddhist, are all just as justified in believing.  Some arguments simply convince some people while not convincing others.  It is not irrational to believe.  There may be a right answer but it is unfair to call a believer, or a disbeliever, unreasonable.  Everyone who cares about their beliefs is going to try to use rationality to come upon them; questioning is not only the way of the atheist.  To say otherwise is ridiculous.