Thursday, December 12, 2013

Steps to a Relationship



I figured, since I could not easily find this on a Google search, I would write out a step by step relationship guide to how fast you should be going.  Now, of course, sort of as formality, every person is different and unique and so each relationship should be taken independently.  I am aware of this fact, that both partners should talk and be honest and try their best to go as fast as the other partner would like to go.  Now, enough preliminaries, let’s cut the bullshit and make a step by step guide.  There is a general truth out there in all areas of life, I wouldn’t like philosophy if I didn’t think that; so even in the speed of a healthy relationship, there is a standard. 
So, this guide, meant for persons above eighteen year olds who want to be in a committed relationship (anyone younger is in so much relationship turmoil that I don’t want to get into what should and shouldn’t be done.  That’s for parents or individuals or whoever to figure out for now), will start with the first date.  You meet a person, you chat, maybe even get this persons number, and eventually go out on your first date.  On this date you should only talk, laugh, and have fun doing whatever activity you decided to do. A hug at the end that is surely allowed, but no more.  Don’t kiss quite yet, save it, and don’t hold hands.[1]  Try to keep the date short as well, just get to know them a little and have fun.  The purpose of the first date is to have a little more grounds to set a liking of the person on, rather than just first impressions.  During the second date it is allowed to hold hands, though perhaps you should still wait, and even more acceptable to kiss after the date (this is probably the best course of action).  If you put off kissing the second, which is fine and dandy, do it the third.  Now, off to the fourth/fifth date.  Try and kiss during sometime, this is a good date for a home date.  Watch a movie, eat popcorn, that sort of thing.  Stay late.  If you kiss during at some point (assuming you’ve kissed once so far (this helps but is not necessary I suppose)) then you can go ahead and hold his/her hand the rest of the date.  Breaking that physical boundary completely and giving way to a real boyfriend/girlfriend like commitment.  It would be good at this time, or at least soon, to begin talking seriously about the two of you being a couple.  Don’t make it stressful just secure each others’ mutual feelings of togetherness.
At this point it is understood you are dating, at least by the two of you.  Soon, if you haven’t already, let out the secret slowly to friends and perhaps family (the family bit is less important for now).  Doing it slow can be fun, it gives the two of you a shared secret.  Don’t wait too long though, because your relationship, in order to be rounded, should be known to the public.  Otherwise there can easily be introduced self-conscious feelings and jealousy into the relationship.  So now, sex.  When too, what kinds?  Good questions, they should be taken carefully.  Now, I, being a virgin, might be a little biased, but I still hold that actual sex (traditional) should be put off a bit longer.  At current moment you’ve been together less than a month or two, just bid your time.  It’s better if you wait, I promise.  However, after one to three months, you can certainly play around.  Focus on things that would be considered foreplay.  Working on this stuff earlier not only can make the actual sex more exciting later but it also gives you a better understanding of your partner’s body and excitement points.  Just touching, running your hands through her hair and across her stomach, following his shoulder line and kissing his hands.  Wrestling is fun too, all is accomplished with little risk of pushing too far.  Nearer to the end you might start adding in more intimate things such as oral.  Don’t worry about love currently (and, oh, I know that is not an easy thing to do).  Just be aware you’re in this because you like the other person and they like you.  Love will come, let it come, take it slow, that’s the point.  I would say, once you reach nearer a six month area, actual sex can be brought in.  Now, I know this is controversial, and biased, but hey, I’m writing the guideline.  I am in no way demanding, heck, this is for me too, I always rush.  Do what you want nothing is guaranteed anyways (and it shouldn’t be, unpredictability is part of life).  If you want a more “grown up” way of looking at this, perhaps just crunching it down to half the time.  Three months is certainly not too long for sex. 
There is one last real step.  Meeting parents will come in time, and one day you may even become married (and that’s another ball game entirely, one I can’t even pretend to give advice about), but the one last step of an earlier relationship is the “L” word.  And no, I don’t mean lesbian Scott Pilgrim fans.  When to say love.  Love is not sex, especially early on.  Sex is just a physical act.  It can bring you to love, and later in a relationship is can symbolize your love, but it is still just the act of bodies.  But speaking the word.  That is what you must be careful of.  Before doing so think long and hard.  Think about the people you know you love, like parents or a best friend, and think about how this person relates to them.  Make sure you are sure.  The word is important, it holds significance.  Misusing and ruining the meaning of the word love will lead you down bad and ungrateful paths.  I suggest you wait at least three/four (near to after or before sex) or six/eight months (the same, if you waited longer for the sex).  Waiting to be sure is always worth it.  If your partner says they feel love and you are unsure do not lie.  Tell them how you feel and try to make them understand you need some time to think.  It hurts, and it always will, but it is better than lying.  If the person you are with truly loves you they will continue being your boyfriend/girlfriend while you decide.  Also, be aware, you can still date while not in love.  Dating is a test, not a conclusion.  It’s all an experiment, its fine to be unsure.  Don’t expect anything out of, just give it your best.  Especially if you are young, you have so much time, why are you so strict on dating only those you think you are guaranteed to marry.  I’m sorry to say, but you are never guaranteed.  If you like someone just try and see what happens.  Have some faith in your partner.  It’s hard, I know, but I find it is the most rewarding way to live.  And in the end, just keep your heart open (even if it hurts) and keep on trying.  That’s all anyone can do: just keep trying.


[1] I would also like to mention whatever I say is a general guideline, as in, try and avoid doing these things before said specific time.  You can’t help every action.  Once again, honesty and openness with any potential partner is valued above any system.  Also, by the way, I am pretty young yet, so keep that in mind.  I have had many girlfriends and thought extensively on the subject, but don’t expect me to be some crazy master or guru.  I’m giving you the best of the wisdom I, and my friends, can muster.

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