Heart
I was deep in the
heart of the forest. Dark tree branches
curled around me, aged lines edged into the bark; and roots as large as my legs
broke from the trunk and dug into the ground, the forests blood vessels and
support. I would say it was midday, if
daytime existed in this wood. I would
say that it was spring time, if time was perceivable in these shadows. I was not even sure how I got here. I would say I was lost, but how can one be
lost with no destination?
Either
way I walked. My feet hit the ground,
slow, hard, thumbs. The beating, beating
of a drum, my feet were, the thumbing of a heart. The wind bustled the branches, shaking and
wheezing, air passing through veins, an organ playing. I trip and fall, the ground floats up to me,
but I walk on still. Water drips around
me, falling from the treetops, seemingly raining from an abyssal sky. I walk on into the forest (or out of the
forest?). There is a cat and it jumps
away, black or brown, it startled me either way. There is a grin, teeth and eyes, carved into
a tree trunk. Cat eyes, it has, and
scratches bellow it. The walk continues.
I start feeling
tired. My feet are dragging, I can’t
hear anything but my heartbeat. Thumb,
thumb, thumb… It hums in my ear. I start
feeling depressed. My head is spinning
and my eyes start fluttering. The ground
comes up close to my face and the cat jumps over my feet. There is a light, far away, perhaps the edge
of the forest. There is a light. A light and then I remember:
It was Spring,
sunny and nice. April I think, but maybe
May. It was a nice day, bright and
enjoyable. I lay on a bench and let the
sun warm me up. A light in the sky,
guiding my mind away. Nothing mattered
anymore. I could hear a dog barking
somewhere in the park and I could feel a gentle breeze touch my skin. Nothing mattered at all; just me and a bench
and then sun.
I had just eaten a
big meal, a picnic with my cousins. They
had already left, back to home and back to school, but I stayed. The park was too nice to stay. I closed my eyes and envisioned the park,
every detail seeming to glow in the afternoon light. The maple trees tall and pretty, like ladies
ready for a dance; and the one oak tree sitting plump on the far side of the
park nearer the lake, like a fisherman wasting the afternoon away on an empty
hook. Green grass and blue skies, yellow
sun and golden brown playground. I could
fall asleep right here, let myself drift away, just staring into the light…
And the light was
gone and the forest center was there. A
lake, deep and dark, almost purple it seemed, at the center of the wood. I stood and stared into its depths. The wind created little tides, waves which
crashed onto the banks of the lake.
Pebbles turned and dirt slid, an earthquake for the worm-world, the
apocalypse to the ants. I looked up and
saw the light again, on the other side of the lake, waiting for me, whispering
to me, “Come, come and warm yourself, let it go, come and warm yourself,” it
said. And I wanted to, I really did, but
I couldn’t move. And I wanted to I
really did, but the waves were getting bigger and the wind was picking up. My mind was spinning. I wanted to I really did. I wanted to reach the light, I did, I did, I
did! The world was flying around me, the
land breaking and the waves rising. Tide
coming in today. I wanted to reach the
light. But the light, and then I
remembered:
Daddy was there,
and the boat was rocking slightly. Nice
breeze. There was a forest across the
way, huge trees, branches the size of legs and trunks the size of cars. There fishing poles were there, on the side
of the boat. Dad and I were waiting,
patience was the most important lesson you can ever learn, he used to say. It was such a perfect day for fishing,
slightly breezy, not too sunny, just on the verge of a drizzle.
I kept watching
the trees sway, waiting for the fish to bite, kept watching green leaves
bristle through the branches. It was
like the sway of a dress, green and shimmering.
Then I heard a swish through the air, and felt the line pull. My dad whipped around and grabbed the
pole. “We got one, we got one. Go on, help me pull it in, it isn’t going to
just jump on in!” Fishing with my dad,
the excitement on this clear afternoon, I could stay there forever. Stay there under the shadow of the forest,
fish on the line.
And I sputtered
water out of my lungs. A girl in a green
dress was over me. “You okay?” she
asked. “Where am I?” I answered.
The forest was
around, dark and gnarly branches just as before. So I stand and the girl in the yellow dress
calls to me from in the forest, away from the lake. She is running towards the light. Suddenly I feel stronger, like I woke from a
dream and gained control. The girl in
the blue dress had given me strength. I
ran after her. I had to catch her, I had
to reach the light. Something was
drawing me towards the light. The girl
in the white dress…
And there were
others, any women, white dresses and white walls. I heard a beat and I heard my heartbeat. Wife and daughter and son were all around
me. I remembered pills by my side and
the falling of my chest cavity. The
veins and the deep dark blood pouring out.
They looked scared. I knew it was
alright, I remembered, I had found the light.
I looked up at them and smiled.
Wife smiled back, a sad smile. I
said, “It’s alright now, it’s alright.
I’ll see you in the morning light, look for the light.” And my eyes closed. The forest was dark and scary, deep and
rooted in a black hurt heart. Something
was wrong and off here, but not in the light.
The girl led me, led me and I was gone.
And everything was alright. I
could stay here forever, just in the light…
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